The Joy of Kink—why we love BDSM

Perverts!

That’s the term used by ‘normal’ people to describe those of us who like to do things a little differently in the bedroom (and often outside of it too).

The more we learn, the more we realise that ‘perverts’ might actually outnumber ‘normal’ people—the majority, it seems, have some or other little kink. But it really doesn’t matter who’s in the majority.

The fact is that the tribe of kinky people is huge.

In a room of ten people only a minority, two or three at most, are actually happy with wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am sex. The rest of us want something more—a bit of roleplay, some dirty talk, hair pulling, spanky or wanky—the list is endless, from gentle and relatively innocent to dark and extreme.

If you’re reading this, you’re probably also a pervert—especially given the fact that, for the most conservative people in the world, ‘perversions’ may include oral sex or doing it with the lights on.

Over here at Kink Ideas, where we fly our freak flags proudly, our perversions fall firmly in the BDSM arena.

Fetish. Bondage. S&M. Dominance. Submission.

These are just a few of the terms used to describe our kind of ‘non-normative sexual behaviour.’

And the more we do it, the more we like it.

The more we do it, the more grateful we are that this is part of our lives.

— o —

‘Perversion’ is a pejorative term. I’m using it here to highlight the fact that many people remain uncomfortable with kink.

When Xavier was young—an adolescent in the throes of puberty—he was deeply ashamed of his kinky desires. Now, as an adult, we are deeply grateful that he’s a pervert.

I am supremely thankful that we are both weirdos. It makes life so much more interesting.

We are no longer uncomfortable. We have learned to embrace our desires—and they have set us free.

It’s a standing joke we have. The more we tie each other up, the more liberated we feel in our souls.

— o —

What is it, exactly, that makes kink so great?

To explain this, we have to start with the joys and limitations of ‘conventional’ intimacy.

Sex is incredible, the best thing ever invented. And… it can be one-dimensional.

We love kink for the same reason that ‘how to spice up your sex life’ has become a regular feature in most glossy magazines.

1. People want great sex.
2. Conventional sex can be boring.
3. Sex is so much more than putting one thing inside another thing.

But let’s start with the joy of sex.

If you have recently fallen in love, kink might be the last thing on your mind.

In the infatuation stage of a new relationship, straight sex is often all we need.

Everything about the other person drives us wild. A glance, a dance move, a lick of the lips, a flick of the hips—anything can ignite the libido.

Interestingly, the forces at play during infatuation are some of the same things that make kink so good—uncertainty, surprise, elusiveness. The thrill of conquest, the fear of rejection. 

The rush of infatuation can be recreated over and over with kink.

Unfortunately, infatuation—and the autonomic arousal infused in it—doesn’t last.

This is one of the things that makes kink such a great tool for couples. (Not that you can do kink if it’s not your thing, but if the seeds are there, even the smallest shoots, they are worth nurturing.)

Some people solve the problem of boring sex by moving on quickly from one relationship to another.

If it works, who are we to knock it?

But if, like us, you appreciate the benefits of a long-term, committed relationship, you have to grapple with the limitations of conventional sex.

In our case, we both discovered in earlier relationships that we needed kink in our lives. The ennui of the missionary position, the emptiness of sexless marriages, these experiences left us determined to pursue our deepest desires.

To turn our fantasies into realities. 

Love without the lubricant of lust is not for us. Conversely, we also want lust on a bedrock of deep love—and kink has given us both.

We give thanks almost daily that we found each other. As one of our favourite bumper stickers has it—if you find your weirdo, don’t let them go.

Couples who play together, stay together.

Another one of our favourite bumper stickers.

We have discovered that kink gives us much more than great sex—a lot more.

But great sex is a good departure point.

— o —

The reason I mentioned infatuation earlier is because the basic ingredients of great sex tie in with the answer to the question, What makes kink so great?

Let’s go back to the words and phrases we used earlier. (And heads up, this does not purport to be any kind of definite treatise, it’s just a few of the things that make us grateful to have kink in our lives.)

Many of the things we love about kink are interrelated, as you will see—but there are beautiful nuances that warrant what might seem as repetition. 

• Uncertainty and Surprise

It’s part of what makes infatuation fab. Will he fall for you? Will she let you fuck her? What will he do? With a new lover we expect the unexpected. And this delicious uncertainty of outcome is built into many kink games.

• Elusiveness

The new hottie is an unknown quantity. It’s not just uncertainty, you also don’t know quite what’s demanded of you. We build this into our kink play.

• The Thrill of Conquest

Pursuers woo. The prey flirts and plays hard to get. Teasing and seduction are part and parcel of all the great love stories. And there are tests—frog princes must prove they are worthy of princesses, for example. It’s a game we repeat over and over with the help of BDSM.

• The Thrill of the Unattainable

We desire what we can’t have. Delicious denial. When a lover is out of reach—even if it’s just because our hands are tied with silk scarves—that lover becomes all the more desirable.

• The Thrill of the Taboo

Prohibited pleasures. Forbidden fruit. The allure of illicit love is undeniable. And this works in two ways for us. Firstly, taboos are part of the fabric of BDSM—so many aspects of kink remain frowned upon… which just makes them all the more appealing. Secondly, we all have our edges—and having our particular boundaries pushed by the person we love and trust, who knows us intimately, and discovering who we are  and what is available to us beyond these edges,is the greatest thrill of all.

• Extended Foreplay

Extended foreplay—a journey that’s sometimes better than the destination. At the very least, it makes the destination all the better. Foreplay is the vital foundation of arousal that makes the main course so much more tasty. Kinky games allow us to extend the build-up, sometimes for days at a time. Nothing is sweeter than a prize long desired. 

• Anticipation

Hunger whets the appetite. Anticipation is the steel that sharpens the kinkster’s receptors.  Anticipation is the excitement of every step, every new vista, every unexpected turn in the road. In BDSM we exercise our imaginations. We create voyages of discovery for each other.

• Adornment

Humans across every culture adorn their bodies. It’s almost a human need. And in addition to defining ourselves by our raiments, expressing roles through our dress, the vast majority of people are more attractive with their clothes on. Dressing up helps us feel sexy.  Plus… nakedness is all the more delicious when it’s only savoured now and then—to conceal is better than to reveal.

• Other Lives

Dress-up is not just about looking good; fetish gear gives us opportunities to be other versions of ourselves, to play a thousand parts. We’re not just talking role play here—wearing the right outfit can make you feel like a different person. We put on personas and liberate aspects of ourselves through our attire. Watching Xavier lacing up my knee high leather boots is a ritual that calls to the Goddess within me and tells her she now has the reins. Feeling my buskless corset tightening over my ribs and cinching in my waist evokes the stricter, more ruthless Domme within me.   

• Endless Variety

It’s the very spice of life, as Cowper told us. No two BDSM scenes are ever exactly the same. Even if your kinks are quite narrowly defined, the possibilities are endless.

— o —

I could go on. There are so many subtle things that make kink great. But this blog is getting long and I want to touch on something else before I go and check how Xavier is doing in his cage.

Exploring kink has expanded our souls.

I’ve listed above some of the ways that kink and BDSM enhance our sex lives. But, as I said, it has done so much more for us.

• Vulnerabitily

To reveal one’s dark desires is to be made vulnerable. Mutual vulnerability—emotional exposure—strengthens relationships. Learning to be more vulnerable expands the heart.

• Self-Growth

Opening oneself with another, exploring secrets, being prepared to venture to our edges and to pay attention to our fears, can lead to self-growth. The things that trigger us in the dungeon have links to what we do in the ‘real world.’ Kink has helped us become better people.

• Greater Intimacy

As Xavier and I explore kink, our levels of connection and intimacy keep increasing—this is the wonder and miracle of sane, consensual BDSM. For us, it’s one of the core things that not only makes love last but helps it deepen and grow.

BDSM demands trust and courage. For us, kink and BDSM in the context of a loving relationship has not just given us great sex but the greatest love.

We’re not saying it’s for everyone. But if you have a kink or two they might be worth exploring.