Promises, Promises (pt 1)—Trust and Mischief

Must a goddess keep her promises?

X and I are people who honour our words. We’re committed to honesty and authenticity. We stick to our commitments.

But this gets tricky in the playspace. Uncertainty of outcome is a key ingredient of BDSM play. Perhaps there’s a place for scripted scenes—clubs, new relationships, etc—but these do not leave the goddess free to express herself and exercise her whims. As a goddess I want as few boundaries as possible—it’s X who needs the boundaries.

Goddesses must be free to act, and subs must be kept uncertain. In fact, for the sub there must be only one certainty—that anything could happen and the goddess could change her mind.

Uncertainty is what keeps subs simmering and desirous and worshipful. The goddess’s freedom and the sub’s acceptance of uncertainty are inextricably linked. 

And besides, half the fun is keeping the sub guessing and nervous.

How, then, does one reconcile ‘real world’ integrity and playspace despotism? The answer is in two parts.

The first part is simple. Goddess and sub must have a mutual understanding that all is fair in play and domination. I keep my word outside of playspace (which is a mindset, not a dungeon) but I will probably be despotic and capricious when I’m in goddess mode.

The second part is more subtle.

If the sub can never rely on anything the goddess says… well, that’s too much uncertainty.

At the heart of being able to be fully free—free to submit and free to dominate—we have to have trust.

To experience the intense intimacy and transcendent erotisms this type of play offers, we have to feel emotionally safe to be completely IN.

This needs a deep well of trust.

Trust in ourselves, trust that we both want a great experience for each other, and trust that the other is also looking after themself in the game. 

Trust is earned by being consistent and reliable, even in playspace. So the goddess has to find clever ways of turning the tables. She has to keep her options open and consciously create space to manoeuvre. Never paint yourself into a corner!

Much of this comes down to how things are framed and phrased. A goddess must choose her words carefully. As a goddess you should never say, “If you do this then that will follow.” Rather, you must say, “If you do _____, then there’s a possibility of _____”

Promises of rewards (or mercy) are a little different to promises of punishment.

Threats of consequences for bad behaviour must always be carried out—although even then I like to keep my options open. If X is uncooperative or rebellious I like to sketch out several diabolical consequences that could follow, not limit myself to one. Knowing one of several punishments (or a whole suite of them) are in the offing keeps a sub attentive. Being quite specific can have a pleasing effect (although one must be careful to only make threats you’re actually prepared to execute).

When it comes to the promise of a reward it’s important to keep things vague. “If you do _____ there’s a chance of a brief break from the chastity cage”—that kind of wording doesn’t commit you to anything. And if you feel the reward has been earned, ‘a brief break’ could mean anything from five minutes with genitals unlocked while the sub is tied down, orgasm denied, to a few days’ freedom.

A goddess must be creative. You want to be able to keep moving the goalposts without actually going back on anything you said before. Nebulous performance requirements are good – you can always find some reason to be dissatisfied.  Introducing tantalising alternatives halfway through a multi-day game is another great manoeuvre – all the better if you can engineer a win-win scenario for yourself.

And the best tactic—circling back to framing and phrasing—is to always keep something in reserve.

When I negotiate a series of punishments or challenges for X I nearly always specify (in addition to keeping things slightly vague) that there will be one additional ‘mystery’ requirement.

I also love bringing in an element of fate—something determined by a throw of a dice or a flip of a coin.

This also keeps things varied and exciting for me—and it’s a way I can up the ante without breaking any promises.

The bottom line, therefore, is that the goddess should keep her word to an extent—and should always keep the sub guessing.  S/he should never be sure what’s coming next.

Click here to read Promises, Promises Part 2