A Spanking Good Time—the bottom line

Spanking is not okay. This was the view of a very woke person I met recently.

We live in a violent society. Violence is a scourge. Supposedly playful spanking in the bedroom condones violence, especially against women. It entrenches gender inequality. That was the gist of it.

This blog is a bit of a ramble that attempts to explain why I think spanking (and, by extension, all of BDSM) is just fine. Perhaps more than fine. Perhaps a bit of what many people in our sterilised society need.

It is ironic, given that corporal punishment is banned in so many countries, that spanking is one of the most common sexual fantasies around.

But then the kind of spanking we’re talking about here is consensual—even if accompanied by delicious sexual fantasies of being overpowered and punished against one’s will.

Survey results vary (sampling is a bitch), but based on a range of studies it seems between one-third and two-thirds of men and women enjoy the bedroom smack.

I love having my bottom warmed up sometimes, but my interest goes beyond that.

Spanking fascinates me because it’s a sort of gateway drug.

It’s a great way to experiment with kink for the first time. No special equipment required.

And loads of people who regard themselves as vanilla routinely do things in the bedroom that are only a small step away from playful smacking.

Raking the skin back with your fingernails. Soft bites on tender flesh. The small slap with the palms as you grab buttocks in your hands. If you like these things you probably like a bit of gentle spanking as well.

Pleasure and Pain

Contrary to movie scenes of bound bleeding sex slaves getting wildly aroused by brutal beatings, spanking is not all about pain and suffering.

For many people, it’s more about awakening the senses. Arousal is all in the mind, but touch is how it manifests.

Moving from the busyness of daily life—lived in the head, beset by tasks lists and worries—to being fully IN our bodies, where erotisms and life yearns to be felt, is not a simple flick of a switch.

Sensation play and a bit of spanking are fabulous bridges to get out of our heads and into our bodies—where the real juicy stuff is waiting.

There are loads of nerves in the buttocks—which, to state the obvious, live right next door to the genitals.

And the connection between pleasure and pain hardly needs to be explained—it’s reflected even in everyday language. Passions are ‘inflamed.’ Sex is ‘hot.’  Which is just the way your skin feels after a good spanking.

A tingle, a slight sting, a shiver of pleasure—sometimes these things are hard to tell apart. And just like a great meal combines many tastes, great sex combines apparently contradictory sensations.

Of course, we’re talking ooh, baby, that hurts so good kinda pain, not broken limb agony.

And not always. Some people practise spanking in a way that emphasises sensations and minimises the sting.

Others really want the ouch!—probably for the same reasons we like other physical challenges. It’s those endorphins (amongst other hormones).

Strenuous exercise hurts… and yet a lot of people are addicted. Endorphins. They have a lot to answer for.

Mind and Body

The role of narrative is another reason that spanking fascinates me.

Within the orbit of this one relatively tame activity we find many of the variables that come into play in more intense kink—and perhaps in the very building blocks of all romantic relationships.

The story is everything. Without a guiding narrative human endeavour is nothing. Everything we do is framed by the stories we buy into and tell ourselves.

Flirtation. Teasing. Threatening and enticing. Seduction and surrender. Roleplay. Vulnerability. Abasement. Fortitude. Defiance. Power exchange. Dominance and submission. Congeniality. Punishment. Discipline. Malice. Sadism. Masochism. 

There are an almost infinite number of stories to weave around a smack on the rump.

The pert bum proffered. The knickers that say ‘this bottom ain’t gonna spank itself.’ The gentle pat that communicates intent. Submitting to another’s hand. The yearning to be punished.

The mix of playfulness and desire that threads through these things reflects all that it means to be human.

And presents an opportunity for self-discovery.

Enquiry starts with the usual questions. Why? How? When? Where?

Of course, there has to be a spark. You like it when your bum is whacked. Or there’s arousal and a power rush from dishing it out playfully.

For some people, just acknowledging that there is pleasure in it—and accepting that such pleasure is okay—is a huge step.

• For those of us a little further along our depraved journeys, there are many things to be learned.
• Is the sensation enough? Or does it need a container, a story—the school principal, a tale of transgressions, or the complete opposite, abused for no reason?
• Is the bare hand enough, or do we dream of harsher implements?
• Do we want it seductive and sensual, or rough and merciless?
• Can it happen anywhere, or does it need a context, elements of roleplay?
• What’s in the mind when it happens? Are we immersed in the moment, or do wild fantasies gallop through our brains?
• How does it begin? Is one of us rendered helpless? Or is it better when there is no pretence of non-consensuality?
• These are just a few of the questions that arise with experimentation.

The answers don’t just guide what we do and how we play, they potentially open doors into new worlds of adventure.

Sense and Sensation

Spanking falls into a category of activities known as sensation play.

This can be considered part of something larger, sensory play, which includes anything that engages the senses in a pleasurable or arousing way.

Touch, after all, is only one of our senses.

Using the elements of sensory play together can produce amazing results. Sound, smell, touch and taste can be combined to make libidos soar.

Taking away sight with a blindfold, for example, heightens tactile senses. Scents and fragrances can enhance mood, or more—certain smells are almost aphrodisiacs for some people (leather and rubber come to mind). And sounds—music, moans, whimpers, begging—are an essential part of the mix.

The woke brigade are presumably okay with some of these things and not others.

Is one allowed to grab a fistful of hair in the throes of passion? Or claw with one’s fingers? Such things are almost synonymous with media portrayals of unbridled desire.

Which is what most of us want. Intense desire.

I want to feel things intensely. All of life, actually.

But when is it crossing the line?

There are two things. And only two.

One is if it’s not consensual.

That is so patently obvious it doesn’t need to be discussed.

For those of us who want to feel overpowered, helpless, at someone else’s mercy, we have consensual non-consent. It’s an agreement. And it’s covered by a safeword. We can growl, hiss, protest, curse—it’s all part of roleplay. Except the safeword, that’s an instant hard stop.

Two is about sanity and safety.

I put these together because they are closely related.

We have a duty to play safe. Nobody must ever end up with bruises, or worse, that they don’t want. 

And when it comes to our own cravings, we have a duty to ensure we are not crossing from exploration, self-discovery and growth into self-destructive behaviour. That line is individual and it shifts. And it applies to all of life. Stay sane.

Am I doing this for the right reasons? Is it generative? Am I able to process it afterwards?

As far as I’m concerned, if it’s SSC (safe, sane, consensual), anything goes.

Spare the Rod

I have achieved huge personal growth through BDSM.

In a safe, supportive space I allowed a part of me that I held in contempt, of which I was ashamed, to receive the harsh treatment I felt it deserved.

It was a long journey. It took a long time and many tears. But in the end I was at peace with that part of myself.

BDSM helped get me there. It achieved something that years and years of therapy had failed to achieve.

I needed the rod. And the people who let me feel it did it (at least partly) out of love and understanding. 

As it sayeth in Proverbs, He that spareth the rod hateth his son, but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.

It’s like the story of the small kids who push the limits because they want their parents to set boundaries. It’s a true story. If our loved ones don’t care enough to stop us behaving badly, how much do they actually love us?

A safe container in which to rant and rave and fight against the frustrations of life—it’s a gift, not an affliction.

A lot of people actively want other people to control them and hurt them. To give them a reason to nurse their resentments. And a reason to dish out some hurt in return. One way or another. Via stinginess, shaming, affection withheld, gaslighting, sabotage, snide comments.

That characterises all too many relationships.

Believe me, it’s much better to do this in a self-conscious way, looking each other in the eye, than to play the passive-aggressive games that all too easily lead to estrangement, contempt, loss of intimacy and separation.

Spanking can be fun… and it can be a way to give our darker impulses some light and air—which, interestingly, often dissipates their power even as it turns us on.

— o —

If you’re at peace with your kinks, it’s all quite simple—you like what you like.

But if the woke brigade are telling you that spanking is wrong I hope this blog helps bring a different perspective.

Spanking and related activities can be anything you want them to be. Seductive, lewd, soft, hard, sensuous, strenuous, playful, serious, punishing, exonerating.

Exoneration. That’s just one of things BDSM has done for me.